


Healing Pods Can't Cure Lactose Intolerance

by genericfanatic



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 07:37:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10962687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genericfanatic/pseuds/genericfanatic
Summary: Hunk just wanted to make some new dishes





	Healing Pods Can't Cure Lactose Intolerance

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Keith was just walking past when he spotted it. He did a double take. It couldn’t be…but it looked like it was…

“Hey, Keith!” Hunk beckoned him over, pouring the white substance into a glass, “C’mere, you’re just in time.”

Hesitantly, Keith entered the room, only noticing in his peripherals that Lance was seated there too. His eyes were fixed on the glass. “Is that…is that really…”

“Icy cold milk,” Hunk said, nodding.

“Yeah,” Lance said, “Turns out Kaltenecker’s a girl! Thankfully my dad’s brother has a farm, so I learned how to milk cows as a kid.”

“And I managed to refine it to something a little more drinkable for humans,” Hunk said, “Or at least, I hope I did. I’m hoping if it works I can then move onto making cheese, butter, all kinds of things.”

“Well, lets take things easy on poor Kaltenecker,” Lance said, “There’s only so much her udders can hold.”

Hunk shrugged. “Anyway, you wanna try some Keith?” 

Keith finally looked up at Hunk. “Really?” 

“Yeah man,” Hunk said, “Go to town.”

Needing no more prompting, Keith grabbed the glass and chugged it down. 

Hunk and Lance gaped, exchanging surprised looks as Keith gulped every last drop. He finally put the glass down with a deep breath of air, “Wow, that’s good. I haven’t had that in years.”

“Years?” Lance said, raising an eyebrow, “We haven’t been in space that long.”

“I wasn’t allowed milk before that,” Keith said. 

Hunk frowned in confusion, “’Wasn’t allowed?’ What do you mean?”

“Hey guys,” Shiro walked into the kitchen, “What are you—“ Shiro cut himself off looking at Keith, or rather, at the milk mustache framing Keith’s mouth. “Keith.” He said sternly, “What did you do?”

Keith chuckled evilly, “It’s too late Takashi.”

Shiro turned to Hunk, “What did you give him? What have you done?!” 

“It—It—“ Hunk stammered, not knowing what was going on, but feeling panicked, “It was just some milk!”

“You fool!” Shiro said, “You can’t just give Keith milk! He’s severely lactose intolerant.” 

Keith chuckled, already gripping his stomach in pain. 

Lance and Hunk looked between each other, “What do we do?” Lance whined, “Do we get him to a healing pod?”

“Healing pods can’t help him now,” Shiro said solemnly, “He’s going to have to weather this out.”

Keith snickered even with his face screwed up, “Totally worth it.”

 

A few months later, Hunk had successfully created a number of milk-based dishes and incorporated them into dinners, although Keith was strictly forbidden from them. 

That was why Keith had a special separate dinner as Hunk served their guests, the Blades of Marmora. 

“This is quite delectable,” One of the blades said, “What is it called?”

“It’s an Earth food,” Hunk said, proudly, “It’s called ‘cheese.’”

“Cheese…” the blade said, nibbling at it, “Fascinating. I’ve never had anything like it.”

10 dobashes later

“Um, Kolivan,” One of the blades said, fidgeting uncomfortably and interrupting his leader as he talked strategy, “Might I be excused?”

Kolivan raised an eyebrow, but nodded, “If you must, make it quick.” The blade shot out his seat and went down the hall.

“Actually Kolivan,” another blade said, “might I be excused too?”

Kolivan sighed, upset and uncomfortable himself. “Why don’t we take a break? Princess, if you don’t mind?”

Allura nodded, “Absolutely. I think we could all use a chance to clear our heads.”

10 dobashes later

“We’ve been betrayed!” Kolivan said, squirming in pain as he returned to the dining hall, “The yellow one poisoned us!”

Hunk’s eyes went the size of dinner plates, “What, no!” He said, “No, I would never!”

“Princess,” Kolivan said, “Give us the antidote, please, we’ll give you anything,” He groaned in pain, “Just make it stop.”

Allura gaped, completely unsure of what to do.

10 dobashes later

“So, Galrans are all lactose intolerant?” Pidge said.

Lance nodded, rubbing circles on Hunk’s back as he was hunched over in his chair, muttering things like “my food was supposed to bring people together…”

"I wonder if we could use this in our war against the Galra." Pidge suggested.

Lance shook his head, "Some things are just too cruel, Pidge."

In all the chaos, Keith slipped the bit of cheese he had stolen out of his jacket and raised it to his lips. 

Behind him, Shiro snatched the cheese out of his hands. “Don’t even think about it.”

Keith slumped.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! My tumblr is dork-empress


End file.
